Oh... the guilt is there though. I had planned on going with Mom and Dad on a leisurely Sunday car ride. But here I sit. I have a horrible headache but I'm enjoying the peace of being alone. Just me and the dog. Why do I feel bad that I didn't go along?
I know that to keep my own sanity and health I need to take time for myself and get space from mom. I know this, I've known this since I signed on to help. But the guilt that I'm not with her can eat at me. I feel that I should be making as many memories as I can with her. She won't be with me forever.
And then the logical, practical side of me kicks in and says, "STOP! It's okay to take time for yourself. It's necessary- stop the guilt trip." (My inner voice has a great southern accent by the way!)
I'm going to be brutally honest on this page. And this is where it starts. I'm lazy, I don't like to clean. I don't like to do laundry. I should be unpacking more boxes and putting things away. But I am not going to do that today. Today I'm going to sit on the couch, watch the game and then a movie. Or maybe I'll take a nap. A long nap to catch up on the sleep I've lost fighting with my asthma and a stupid cold that just won't let go after 2.5 weeks. I don't know why I can't get ahead of it. It's unlike any cold I've ever had before. I worry that Mom is going to catch it. So far, knock on wood, she hasn't.
I'm used to living alone. I spent the last five years in my own house, doing my own thing. When I didn't want to do something, I didn't. If I didn't feel like putting on a bra, doing my hair or even getting out of my PJ's... I didn't. I lived by my own rules and I liked it. The adjustment to living with others is harder than I thought. I have to make sure the laundry is done and put away. (Now I wish I had kids to do the putting away part!) I need to vacuum, dust and do dishes. I have to make sure mom has what she needs throughout the day. I need to learn when to push mom and when to let her be. I have to learn when to push dad and when to walk away. Its different. I'm trying my best. I know that's all I can do. I just have no patience for my own learning curve. I'm my own worst critic.
There have been many changes in the past 2 months. Some I like, some I'm not so sure of yet. Some I really could do without. But I signed up for this and I knew what I was doing. I just wish the "Holly Homemaker" side of me would show up. I don't know if I even have that side... but if I do, I'm begging her to show up sooner than later.
Until it does, I'm doing the best I can every day. And today, my best is to relax and recharge.
Me, my yellow cozy blanket and the game is on. GO PACK GO!
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