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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Changes

***Over the last two weeks I've tried to sit down and write this blog numerous times. Each time I deleted it because it hadn't come out right. I sounded whiny or cruel or just wrong. After finishing this today, I know I finally got it right. Thank you for your patience.***

Two weeks ago I went to see my chiropractor. Not a big deal. It was a Saturday and I went ALONE. It was very nice to be able to do things without anyone with me.

When I got home I was telling mom and dad how it went since it wasn't my usual chiropractor - I have to tell anyone "new" to me about my pacemaker and the complications with my heart. The new Dr. was kind and really helpful at getting my left shoulder to pop. A few hours later, I overheard mom talking to dad. She was telling him all about my appointment, as if she was there. It pissed me off. I know it shouldn't have but it did. Every thing I do, with or without her, becomes her story. She puts herself in to the situation.

It's ironic, because as I type this, I get how petty I sound. I know it's the dementia and she's grasping for anything that comes her way to make her feel normal. I see it very clearly now. What I don't get, is why it angers/annoys/pisses me off? It's not like she's hurting me. It's not like she is telling these "stories" to anyone but me and dad. So why does it bother me?

Maybe because a dear friend of mine is arriving on Wednesday and I know mom will be telling stories constantly. Now I know my friend well and I know she'll take everything mom says with a giant grain of salt. But what if I bring someone new in to my life? What is that person going to think? How do I explain that you can't take a word of what my mom says as truth? Somewhere in the story there are tidbits that are real and true. How do I help that person understand that this is the road I walk now? That it is going to get worse before it ends.

And how do I not get angry about how it affects me too? Because it does. Everything about her affects me. I take care of my mom. I hug her when she cries, I help her get dressed, I make sure she eats and bathes, I get her to laugh at the Maury show with me while we eat lunch, I get frustrated with her, I get hurt when she's in her cruel mood. This isn't just a job, I don't walk away from it at 5 pm every night. I live this life.

Each day brings new challenges, new hurdles to get over- for her, for my dad, for me. Each change in her means a change for me- how I respond, what I say, what we do. Change is usually good, and something I like, but right now, all the changes are happening one on top of the other. I am well aware that the changes aren't going to be easy and that I need to grieve them. But how do you grieve for what's lost when you can barely keep up? And how do I not lose my mind in the mix? This is the fine line I'm trying to walk and some days it's all I can do to stay upright.

I have faith that I'll be okay. It's my faith that keeps me going. And my dad, coffee and being able to escape in to a book. It's on the hard days I turn to my page and find comfort and support in you, my readers. I will be okay and I'll face all the feelings that come my way. I am strong. I am good. I am a daughter doing the best she can on a path that isn't roses and rainbows. I will listen to my mom's stories and her take on my stories. I will cry when she's not around. When it rains, I'll look for the rainbow. And when it's sunny, I'll take time to soak up the rays.

Hugs and God Bless!

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